Raped, Shafted, & Screwed
Notice to Federal Government Employees
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Subject: Mandatory Retirement1
Due to the current financial situation caused by federal agency budget cuts, tax cuts for the wealthy, and the slowdown in the economy caused by tariffs on imported goods, the Federal Government has decided to implement a scheme to force workers 50 years of age and older to accept early, mandatory retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Federal Government to be considered for the SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Termination) program.
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW (System Covering Retired-Early Workers) program.
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as the Federal Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse).
Obviously, persons who get AIDS will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Federal Government.
Employees who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Federal Government has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT they give its employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of IR (Inhuman Resources). IR has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
DOGE subcommittee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)
P.S.: Due to recent budget cuts, tax cuts for the wealthy, rising costs of food, housing, electricity, gas, and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Over the years, I have been sent various versions of this parody related to how governments and corporations often treat their employees. I am unaware of any original attribution or citation.